*~Update~* 

It's almost 1:30 am and i cannot sleep.  I will be very tired during work.  Below is my weblog for today, so go ahead and check it out if you haven't already.  But i just wanted to let you all know that i have made my new site and will be blogging there from now on!  It is www.xanga.com/EmptyEchoes .  Please come by and comment, so i can add you to my list   Thanks my hunnies!!!

Thank you for the comments sweeties   I was starting to get into a little depression and i swear you ladies just cheered me up!  Well it is the end of Thanksgiving day, and i could not be happier that it is over!  I ATE SO MUCH!  Here is what i had:

2 Poptarts;  2 servings of ice cream;  Banana;  Fruit dish with sherbet;  large serving of turkey;  2 servings of mashed potatoes;  gravy;  2 dinner rolls;  1 glass of cranberry wine;  1 piece of chocolate cream pie with whipped cream on top;  1 piece of apple pie.

OMG, i will not even bother counting those calories.  The weird thing is that every time i binge now, i have this overwhelming urge to purge.  So i wanted to so bad!  But i told myself this was going to be a free day and i was not going to vomit up the wonderfully prepared meal my mother took all day to make.  However, i discovered that eating a large amount of heavy food when your body isn't used to it leads to uncomfortable constipation!  That was no fun!  But hey it came out eventually.  Yes again you all have to deal with my nasty graphics, sorry, haha    I seriously gained like 5 lbs!!!  Actually i have not weighed myself or anything so i cannot say that for sure.  But i do think i am going to be heavier.  Tomorrow i will step on the scale to see the horrible number...then i will know how much i have to lose and hopefully come up with a strict plan!  Feel free to let me know what your plans are, that way i can come up with a good one for myself! 

Paul said he would call me, but he didn't.  So around 5 pm i called him.  He talked a little but i could tell his family was eating dinner, so i asked if he just wanted to call back and he said that was a good idea.  Eventually at 9:30 pm he called.  He said he was done visiting his three families...which are his foster parents, his mom and stepdad, and his dad and stepmom.  But at the last place he ended up going bowling with his brother and some friends.  That's where he called me from.  Then he mentioned how his friend Josh from up here called and how he had a feeling it was going to be a "very long night!"  I do not like this Josh guy, he seems to be quite the trouble-maker.  All people do when they go to Josh's place is drink and smoke.  Since i have had guys go to these sort of parties and cheat on me before, i get nervous whenever i hear about my guy going to these kind of things.  So of course i instinctively got all nervous and my mind raced.  It doesn't help that i was having a very manic day (gotta love the damn Bipolar Disorder)...which basically makes me incredibly anxious and paranoid!  But i have managed to calm myself down a little because when i think about it logically, Paul really likes me and would not do anything to hurt me.  I have serious trust issues, because my trust has been broken way too many times!  But i have realized that i should trust Paul...of all people he is the most trustworthy i have met!  So, that is all that matters and i have made myself relax.  He is a great guy who wants me...so no need to worry...he is wonderful and all mine, hehe!  Yay!

Well tomorrow i have to work at 6 am...fun huh?!  I am so not a morning person and this schedule does not suit me at all!  But i gotta do what i gotta do...and i am broke right now, so i gotta work!  I also have been trying to track down my friend who i worked with at the haunted hayride.  She received our last pay for it, and said she would call and eventually get it to me.  Well she never called.  And i have tried to contact her and received no response!  So i am mad...that is my money and i deserve it, and really need it!  That is another thing i plan on taking care of tomorrow.  Plus after i get out of work, which will be at 1 pm, i can pick up my first paycheck for this new job!  Yes!!!  Then i have to make an appointment because apparently you need TWO tb tests when you work in the hospital.  I need to get this second one done before December 7th, so i should call tomorrow.  I suppose i should take care of making a few other doctor appointments tomorrow, if i have time.  So i will be busy all day really!  Then Paul and I are going to go out later.  We don't have definite plans yet, but i am sure we will figure something out.  I think we might go to the movies.  That should be fun! 

Well i am in such a fricken manic mood now, and not exactly an "oh i am so happy" one...just a restless, nervously moving, bored as hell sort of manic!  AHH!  Oh and this morning when i woke up early, after having slept just a few hours, my mother noticed i was pacing and thought she would keep me busy.  By cleaning the bathroom!!!  So i got to clean the bathroom, mop the floor, and do all the dishes today... Happy Thanksgiving to me, lol!  Oh well, i didn't mind too much.  I was sort of in a cleaning mood.  Even though i am running on just a few hours of sleep, i am not at all tired.  I doubt i will get to bed early, if at all, tonight.  So i will be online i'm sure! 

Now i will come visit your sites, because i just love reading about your lives!  I have such an interest in other people!  That's why this place is so great!  And it's even better that we can all interact!  Oh and i must mention this...i think i will be changing xanga names again!  I know, i do it all the time.  But the thing is that i have been making my names for the seasons.  It was Spring and Summer when i had the LittleSecretGarden site...and now this one for Fall.  And the end of Thanksgiving signifies to me the end of one season and the beginning of another.  So time to switch names!  I'm sure i will update tonight or tomorrow with the new name.  I will try to make it as easy as possible for you to all find me!!!  Please make sure to follow me, i would hate to lose any of you!!!  Well take care and good luck to all of you.  It's time to work off these holiday pounds!!!  Take care and big hugz for you!

P.S.  Ok i know i'm a little crazy right now...but i just HAD to write and say that i am so excited.  Why?  Because i just found a 20 ounce Diet Coke in the mini fridge that i forgot about!  And i thought i was out!  Yay i am happy for Diet Coke     Oh shit...it's half frozen  

Hey everybody!  Thanks for the comments...you girls make me smile and laugh, it's great

Well last night i did meet up with Paul.  He got out of his class early.  We went out and he bought the movie Bruce Almighty.  Then said he was hungry.  I dread that, when the person i'm seeing is like "ok let's go to dinner cause i'm starving."  And i'm thinking in my head "let's NOT go to dinner cause i'm TRYING to starve."  Hahaha.  Oh yes, how messed up my ed makes my mind!  So we went to Ruby Tuesdays.  He ordered a chicken meal and this is what i asked the waitress for:  "One side order of broccoli and one side order of mashed potatoes."  Paul looks at me and says "that's all you're going to have?!"  I say yes.  The waitress says "are you sure, that's all you want?!"  I say yes again.  She looks at me like i'm crazy and states, "well that's the first time i've had this sort of order!"  Haha, look i've introduced the waitress to an ed's behavior!  After dinner we went to Paul's apartment and watched Bruce Almighty.  I actually liked it better the second time!  He made waffles and ice cream...so i gave in and had a bowl of vanilla ice cream (but i did say no to waffles, haha).  Things steamed up a bit.  So much that i forgot about my little pregnancy scare.  That led me into the bedroom with him and we had the best fricken sex!  OMG, it was amazing.  He makes me feel good, but also makes me feel good about myself.  The things he says and the way he says it, i can just tell he really likes being with me and part of it is emotional.  The way we looked at each other last night was just so amazing...i felt like it was love.  I know that sounds weird...but we just connected so strongly.  I think he even wanted to say those three magic words..."i love you."  And i felt like saying them myself!  But both of us have been hurt before, and i think we've both moved too quickly in relationships before.  So we didn't say the words.  But you know what?  Those looks were all we needed, it said more than words.  Ahhh, things are so great with us!

I got home really late.  And fell asleep on the couch.  Then i awoke and moved into my bed.  I kept waking up because it was freezing cold.  Apparently somebody turned the heat off.  To give you an idea of the temperature, it is 36 degrees Fahrenheit right now and it was even colder last night!  So when i say "freezing"...i'm being literal!  Then in the morning i awoke to a strange feeling "down there."  So i went to the bathroom and sure enough i had my period!  Yay   So no pregnancy!  Oh i do this all the time though, it's hilarious really.  I will calm down on my paranoia from now on, but also i will make sure to be safe when i'm having sex!  I had some cramps and a headache, and my cold is bothering me again.  But i took some pills and felt better.  My legs felt a little sore and weak, but i think it was from the lengthy sex session last night!  Haha!  At least it was good exercise right?!

Before i showered i got to urge to weigh myself.  As you know, i have been trying to avoid the scale.  But i figured it wouldn't hurt.  So i got on it and the number is... 97 lbs!  Not bad.  I think i will still continue to try weighing myself less often though.  It's weird that i weigh less because normally right before and during my period, i gain like 2-4 pounds!  I hate it!  Watch, i'll probably weigh more tomorrow.  Maybe i just won't weigh myself.  Although it would be amusing because i am sure i'll be binging on Thanksgiving dinner!  I bet i gain like 10 lbs!  Hahaha.  I know, i should weigh myself before the dinner and after...just to see the horrible difference!  Maybe i will, maybe i will be too scared.

So i ended up going out to coffee with Paul around 7 pm.  I had a grande mocha malt frappachino, which i found out is 430 calories!  Wow that is a lot for just one medium sized drink!  Then we went to the mall and walked around.  I found that we have the same taste in posters!  He said he needed some for his apartment, and instead of looking at dumb ones like most guys do...he went and looked at nature posters.  I love those!  So that was fun.  Then he said he had to get up early, so we parted ways.  I went to the bookstore and read while i ordered a diet coke.  I went home around 11 pm. 

Did you notice how besides the calorie-loaded drink i did not mention food?  That is because i have not eaten anything today!  It is so strange, i am seriously not hungry at all!  I don't know why.  Normally when i have my period i am like binging on chocolate and salty snacks and pizza.  Right now there is pizza in my kitchen along with ice cream and other good food, but i am not tempted because i am simply not hungry.  Hmm, weird but good!  Let's hope i keep that up!

Well Happy Thanksgiving everyone!  If you celebrate it that is!  I know some of my buddies are from different countries!  I am not even going to try and make a plan for tomorrow.  I will be eating!  Yummy turkey and mashed potatoes!  And then the next day, i will be trying to start a strict diet to lose weight before Christmas!  Good luck to all of you and take care.  Big hugz.  Nightynight!

*Update, 3:15 am*  Well i'm sure you have all been missing my late night/early morning blogs.  I just can't sleep.  I think i've had too much caffeine.  Plus i am getting hungry, so my stomach will not settle down.  I have now been tempted to eat, but i refuse to.  If you ignore the Starbucks frappachino, i have been fasting for over 30 hours!  Not bad.  This is a funny thing to say, but from sitting here at the computer desk my ass kills because the bones are pressing against the chair.  Ouch, but it reminds me that if i do not eat then the bones are less covered with fat!  Ok i think i will try to get some sleep now.  Gotta rest up for that big Thanksgiving dinner, haha!  Take care everyone! 

Update:  It's 6:30 pm now and i am in the college computer lab.  Hey at least i use the resources right?  Hahaha.  Well thank you for all the reassuring comments.  With all my graphic details and pregnancy scares you are still here for me...how sweet  

Still haven't weighed.  I am too scared and am really trying to avoid that scale.  But i think i'm about the same.  Except i swear my tummy is bulging, ugh i am fat!  Maybe it's from the nausea that i keep on getting on and off.  I swear, one minute i'll be fine and the next my stomach is aching.  Not to mention i'm getting a bit dizzy every now and then, with the occasional headache.  But the cold itself is doing better, thanks to Claritan D!  It's good stuff i tell ya.

I ate an everything bagel with butter-  330 calories

And i drank a strawberry-banana smoothie-  not sure on the calories yet, i'll double check later...but probably about 350 cals we'll say...might as well round upward to make sure!

So about 680 calories.  Eww, i suck.  And for only two items?  UGH.  Figures, i can't just have a plain salad or some fruit!  I gotta go for the useless food items that are just gonna bulk me up. 

Still no period.  I seriously thought i was going to get it just an hour ago!  Well first i'll mention that i thought i was gonna get it on time last week because a few little brown spots showed up on my undies.  But i obviously didn't get anything more.  Then today there were two more little brown spots.  I didn't think much of it.  And (again sorry for the graphics) i felt a little strange so i went to the bathroom and "wiped" down there...and there were a few little pink spots.  So of course i throw on a little undie protection down there, checked it just recently...nothing more.  Damnit!  Just when i think i'm getting it, it's just tiny spots!  Oh well, maybe it's starting off slowly this time.  And like you all said...i did just stop taking the birth control pills a few months ago.  My body has pretty much adjusted from what i can tell, and i have been getting my period normally...but maybe it is finally reacting to my ana/mia patterns.  After all i was on the pill for years and years, before the serious episodes of my ed occured.  So without the pills now, i'm sure my body doesn't know what is going on!  That is probably it.  Ok you might here me bitch and moan about this a little...i'm just a paranoid crazy girl!  LOL.  It could be SO many things.  I will just let time tell right?  Damnit, i wanna know now, hahaha  

I found the classroom where Paul is.  He said he has class until 8:20 pm.  I think i will call my mom now and tell her i am going to hang out with him tonight.  Then hopefully he will be feeling ok and we can do something!  Even if it's just resting at his apartment with a movie.  Sounds good to me!  Except i will be somewhat restless...1. Because i'm paranoid about being pregnant with his child, haha!  and 2.  If i'm not preggo, i might get my period at any moment which would ruin any "fun" we might plan on havin!  Ohhh my.  Maybe i will talk to him about waiting to continue the sex until i can get back on the birth control pill.  I'm sure he'll understand i wanna be safe.  If it's not already too late, haha!  Ok i'll stop...i swear. 

Ok off i go to call my mom and then find Paul when he gets out of class!  I hope all of you are having a wonderful day.  Have a good night and big hugz for ya!  Muah

Good morning my xanga friends!  It is almost 9 am and i am awake.  Actually my mommy thinks i am headed to school, which i am not obviously.  Uh oh, she might be trying to call and getting a busy signal...which will tell her i am playing on the internet instead of going to college.  Oh well, hehe!  Hang on...i think i need a trip to the bathroom

Ok i'm back!  Well first of all thank you all so much for wishing me health!  Unfortunetly after i got offline Sunday night, my illness grew worse.  It turned into a hot fever and stuff.  I was sick to my tummy too.  There way no way i could make it to work, so i called in and left a message.  And since my mom works in the hospital too, she visited my boss later and i guess they were very understanding about it.  All day Monday i was so sick.  Fortunetly my mom had some strong prescription cold medicine that knocks you out.  I took half the dose and i was sleeping all day!  Thank goodness for that stuff!  I kept waking up feeling either burning hot or shaking cold.  Icky.  Then i spent the rest of the day and night on the couch watching tv and movies.  Paul and I talked.  The poor guy had his wisdom teeth pulled, but they could only do one because he was in so much pain.  They didn't even knock him out or give him laughing gas, they just gave him novicane (spelling??) and he felt the whole procedure!  Aww.  And i couldn't see him cause i was sick.  We were just two ill people trying to talk on the phone all night, hahaha.  As the night went on i felt a little better.  Which actually sucks because i ended up eating some stuff.  But instead of throwing up like i had been (which didn't help my throat by the way)... it decided to exit the other end if ya know what i mean!  I have had the major "runs" since last night.  Painful painful painful, nasty nasty nasty   Sorry, once again too much information!  But you should all know by now that my blogs contain rather graphic details on my private life, hahaha.  Hey at least it's coming out of me right?!  I still don't know my weight because i am trying my hardest to avoid the evil scale!  I feel the same really.  Except from being sick my tummy feels enlarged. 

Oh and you know how i thought i was pmsing because i was all moody and stuff?  Well i have not gotten my period yet.  Uh oh!  I am almost never late.  And if i am, it is only a few days.  I just looked at my calender and counted the days...and i am a week late now.  But as some of you know from the past, whenever i am sexually active i am paranoid about pregnancy.  Even when i was on the pill and using condoms every time i was scared that i was pregnant!  Hehe.  So i will probably just get my period any moment now and it'll be ok.  If not, i'm screwed!  Ok i will try not to freak out, until the end of the week.  Then i'll wait until the end of the weekend and if i still do not get it, i will buy a test.  If it says positive or is unreadable, i will go to the doctor.  If it says negative i will wait a little longer, take another one, and if that one says negative i will assume that i am finally not menstruating because of ana/mia!  Oh look, i said i wouldn't over-react and i am!  Ok i'm shutting up now.

Well i haven't showered since Sunday.  Yes that is nasty i know!  But i've been ill!  So i think i am going to do that now that i am not tired.  Morning coffee is wonderful!  I bet the shower makes me feel better too.  Although i am already a ton better today!  Me and Paul are going to try and meet up after his class ends around 8 pm.  We plan on buying the movie "Bruce Almighty" that he wants.  I don't particularly like the movie...i thought it was juvenile and not too funny.  But i will watch it with him and just relax together!  We can take care of each other!  Aww. 

Well it is still early so i have not eaten, but we all know how quickly that can change.  I will try to be good though.  Sometime after Thanksgiving i will weigh myself, and then see how much i have to lose!  Hopefully i can have a really strict diet or fast between the holidays, so i can lose lots of weight!  By Christmas day i wanna be at my goal of 80 lbs!  Yay!  If i'm not pregnant that is, hahaha.  Ok i'll stop with that!  Good luck to all of you this week.  Let's stay strong and be here for each other!  Big hugz and have a wonderful day.  Muah